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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/29463960">standstill</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/dahkkun/pseuds/dahkkun'>dahkkun</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Dreamcatcher (Korea Band)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>F/F, Longing, Reminiscing, Sunrises, Sunsets, What Ifs, internal dilemmas, one-sided past</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-03-01</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-03-01</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-15 20:29:20</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>14,775</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/29463960</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/dahkkun/pseuds/dahkkun</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>So, it really was her.</p><p>The girl that blends in with the sunsets before twilight.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Han Dong | Handong/Lee Siyeon, Kim Minji | JiU/Lee Siyeon, Kim Yoohyeon/Lee Yubin | Dami</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>6</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>28</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>standstill</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>for ren, craj, and nikki</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>There are a lot of things Siyeon could never understand, even if she tries to squint her eyes or squeeze her brains out for answers, or ask her best friends' Yoohyeon and Yubin who had the brains, or chat her long-time best friend and ex-crush Minji that's living across the planet with oceans as significant barriers of close contact, or even if she does ask Gahyeon who'd for sure would never give her a response other than teasing her for her mishaps, she will never find a concrete one that explains the experiences she had succumbed or triumphed throughout her life as far as time goes and gives her.</p><p> </p><p>So when she treks the slanted path of the woods she used to be with Minji years ago, her hands aching for the familiar ones that were accustomed to entangle in safety, she never would have guessed this time around would surface another peculiar occurrence that either scarred or changed her for life; especially with her vision entirely driven with flamingo strands caught in the sunset's breeze by the edge of the cliff she had in mind to dangle her legs to think ‒ similar to when she whispers tales of nonsense that elicits a chuckle through an angel now so far away from reach ‒ she halted her hurdling steps and took a wistful intake of a vision she’d never knew would get her lungs to constrict themselves so tight it reminded her of forbidden infatuations and long lost sentiments of giddiness.</p><p> </p><p>The individual’s silhouette was merged with the orange rays that colors her alive, the immersive details were too protruding than the sharpness she would add on her photographs she hangs on her wall after being developed.</p><p> </p><p>Siyeon could have stayed in that moment forever, like a glimpse of an otherworldly entity that can pierce through her mundane existence, shedding something that is beating and undead that can still deviate from lifelessness.</p><p> </p><p>“Excuse me?”</p><p> </p><p>And with that, the moment was broken.</p><p> </p><p>She blinked, and the sky was no longer marred with flames and dying light, but was rather now covered in complete and obsolete midnight blue.</p><p> </p><p>Siyeon never knew her own hours of alleviation could extinguish the brewing feeling just as fast.</p><p> </p><p>It was a shame, but she shrugged it off thinking she saw things incorrectly for she lacked sleep during such an occurrence.</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p>
<hr/><p> </p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>Frankly, this wasn't the first time it happened — mistaken surmises from momentary glances — but it did get a little awkward when she asked Gahyeon one night during their little planned dinner at Friday's at Jeffrey's on exactly a friday of one of the days in September (because Gahyeon liked matches and peculiar sense of alignment in situations similar to their names — take the Throwback Thursday posts on her instagram feed on said day or tacos she'd get on every other tuesdays or wearing something dark on Black Saturday's as an example) if she had encountered anyone in their neighborhood of someone who'd have their hair dyed in blush or even just a vanishing color of it. To which the younger denied of knowing such, before raising a brow of curiosity laced with mischief and decided to make Siyeon earn the state of abashment out of something she asked out of the blue. Then again, it did make sense as to why the joke surfaced. Because, who would have the right mind to chemicalize their hair during the autumnal season? Surely not her. But she isn't one to judge anyway. And it was weird she'd bring up another girl other than Minji.</p><p> </p><p>"So where did you get to witness this mysterious person of yours that you wouldn't like to call 'a <em> crush at first sight </em>?"</p><p> </p><p>Siyeon rolled her eyes, the urge to pinch Gahyeon's cheek with her claw-like-nails at large to make her not use such words that doesn't correlate to what she experienced.</p><p> </p><p>"It's not a crush, Gahyeon. I told you a bunch of times already that I just wanted to know if you perhaps met anyone with a similar description because you basically know everyone in this area," Siyeon huffs in mild annoyance, her utensils digging into her food a bit more harshly than prior.</p><p> </p><p>"Besides, I haven't really met this person <em> per se </em> , I merely got even a look at her, or if it even was a <em> her </em>," She rambled, taking a chew off her burger and twirling a portion of carbonara from a huge platter with her fork.</p><p> </p><p>Gahyeon had her own intake before replying, "C'mon! Lighten up a bit! All you talk about is the unrequited love you have for Minji-unnie when you haven't, even in the slightest, confessed to her. So it's a new change that you get to talk about someone else other than her," She pointed out, then sipped her cola situated beside her plate, "good things expire at some point, the same goes with your drunken wails of never-ending Minji"</p><p> </p><p>Siyeon could only get flustered from the memories etching itself on her mind, her subconscious wrecking the moments she'd lose herself on temporary liquid escape with her friends — mostly with Gahyeon unfortunately — that would go out of hand if not for their tolerance and control.</p><p> </p><p>"Let's not go there," Siyeon pleaded. It was already discomforting by the fact that she had even the audacity to ask Gahyeon a question related to something she wasn't even sure of herself, and now they're just digging out the grave of memories that should supposedly die once buried in their own cemetery of forgotten. She needed to stop Gahyeon before anything else resurfaced.</p><p> </p><p>A shrug was sent to her, "Well, you can't deny that I'm right"</p><p> </p><p>Sadly.</p><p> </p><p>"But that doesn't mean it's a bad thing either," Gahyeon continues, "take it as a breather from your suppressed feelings that haven't been out even now. Even if she's already outside of the country pursuing her dreams and it will take several years before she comes back, while you're here living the best moment of your life being a known songwriter taking a break from composing and vibing here with your friends," a click of a tongue, " and then venting about pent up love frustrations whenever able instead of moving on"</p><p> </p><p>Siyeon groans at that.</p><p> </p><p>"What I mean is," A waiter came their way and it was Siyeon's turn to pay for their dinner. She placed the exact payment on the holder, closing it, and gave it to them. Gahyeon proceeded, "you should take some time off of Minji and focus on yourself to meet other people. What if Minji already has a significant other without you even knowing? It'd be a whole another crushing experience for you when in the first place she doesn't even know you're waiting for her return. Isn't she, basically moving and working at another country, enough sign that maybe it's time you try looking for someone else instead?"</p><p> </p><p>Siyeon disliked Gahyeon for being right. For one too many reasons already.</p><p> </p><p>"I—" She starts, mind scrambling for any answer even if she knows nothing can ever repel the quench in her ribs that echoes all signals of giving up and moving on and concurring with Gahyeon's input ever since she had knowledge of her one-sided affection.</p><p> </p><p>"I—It's not as easy as it sounds," she settles instead, reaching for her drink to calm the fidgets rising from her perturbation.</p><p> </p><p>"And that is why I'm telling you," Gahyeon pats Siyeon's unmoving, clenched left fist to uplift her, "Nothing is wrong with trying something new every once in a while. I know Yubin and Yoohyeon's relationship is something we both were dying to achieve at some moment in our lives, but life, as ugly as it already is, just doesn't work that way, y'know?"</p><p> </p><p>Siyeon switches her boring gaze from the slender stem of the glass she was pinching to Gahyeon's curling smile.</p><p> </p><p>It did help her calm down, at least.</p><p> </p><p>It makes her wonder how it is that Gahyeon's plenty all-knowing and is enough to keep Siyeon afloat despite all things hurdling that comes both their ways and in spite of its varying situations.</p><p> </p><p>The thought gives her relief, because without Gahyeon keeping her in check, who knows what kind of abomination she would have already caused that can lose her reputation she once called just a dream that she has now achieved if not for the drive she's been given, together with the both of their friends and this heartache she receives whenever Minji would smile at her in fonds beyond her own comprehension.</p><p> </p><p>"So the best we can do is just, well, do what we can to not be on a standstill that halts the progression of what can be the best if we have tried something that is out of our comfort zone"</p><p> </p><p>Gahyeon's right, Siyeon tells herself.</p><p> </p><p>She needs to get out of her own thoughts for once and go fiddle with the world at least a little.</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p>
<hr/><p> </p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>
  <em> "Plus, look at where it landed you when I advised you to give your longing an outlet. Went great with your career, did it not?" Gahyeon added, her eyes a bit drowsy with her fourth mug of beer. In which, she dislikes but Siyeon relishes with beer than any other alcohol, so it would have to do. And it made her forfeit in the end because no one can resist free drinks. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Siyeon coincided, albeit in denial nonetheless, among the bright neon lasers puncturing through hazed vapor and the sweats of loosened people bunched up on the dance floor. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> She honestly doesn't know if it did her any good, because right now, all she can manage to conclude was that she's one hopeless fucker waiting for a chance that would never come. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> "And maybe perhaps with this one," The younger of the two, whose hair now stands out quite more when florid blends together in hefty murk, butts in her concentration, "it will help you somehow realize that there could be indications sprawled out in front of you that points you to a direction neither of us can see. Who knows? Maybe someone else is meant for you and it's a matter of time before you finally follow along the invisible lines that marks your long-awaited destiny" </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Laughing suddenly had the biggest occupation tonight. </em>
</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p>
<hr/><p> </p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>It was 4 am on a Thursday morning when she abruptly winded herself to open her eyes in mid-figment viscera.</p><p> </p><p>Two weeks have passed since the sobered conversation with Gahyeon, and she had almost erased that part of her memory if it wasn't for her wandering mind that has decided to revisit a catacomb of embarrassment again in a pinnacle of makeshift exurbia.</p><p> </p><p>Nothing was more mortifying than realizing she's been left out of the world with herself shoveling a pit of sulk throughout her years of yearning.</p><p> </p><p>With a bleeding nudge to liberate from the world that's moving too fast for her own liking, she opted to grab for one of her camo bomber jacket that hangs in her closet and slipped on her ankle-free vans sneakers, together in her wolf printed socks, and went out of her apartment to saunter on the side walk of their belt where the path leads once again to the woods and cliff she always come to whenever she wants to clear her head.</p><p> </p><p>Although five years have elapsed since she had been back to town, this time to relieve herself from work (with Yoohyeon and Gahyeon's insistence, Yubin agreed as well but still gave her the option to back out from the idea), the familiar crunch of leaves against withering cobblestone and soil, isn't wearing off of her system anytime soon. Not when she's still stuck on a standstill she never realizes till Gahyeon pointed it out in a manner of concern. Because everybody moved past their lives except for her, and maybe it did send her to a series of unhinged thoughts to configure a great change for herself that her mind's now loftily blotted in noise.</p><p> </p><p>However, it never really occurred to her in the beginning, the prospect of altering a normalcy she was greatly habituated. That's why when she tries to sculpt from scratch with a dough so freely morphed in areas possible, the only outcome it ensued was a huge, big boulder of mass. Meaning, nothing was really developed throughout the juncture, because it hasn't been her initial motive.</p><p> </p><p>Though it's only been half a month since her stay, and she solely managed to meet up with Gahyeon for now, as the younger is busy with her final thesis that Siyeon's left all to herself for the previous week, Yubin and Yoohyeon were just about to arrive this approaching October, so she still had time to spare and carve a routine, or maybe a twist in her mundane days.</p><p> </p><p>Possibly because she wants to prove to herself that she can be independent in her own way.</p><p> </p><p>Feet trailed her ubiquitous course, towards the cliff edge once again, this time trying to remind herself that this is because she wanted to be here and nothing else. </p><p> </p><p>Not because she would reimagine her steps with Minji back when they were teenagers. </p><p> </p><p>Not because she missed the warmth of another's hand interlaced with hers to succor her rising anxiety.</p><p> </p><p>And also not because she would dream of moments when they would stand on their stump spot of the border and she would happen to have courage from a burning within that gives her a chance to lay lips on sweet ones.</p><p> </p><p>No. Not this time.</p><p> </p><p>At least, that's what she tells to seek herself from being astray.</p><p> </p><p>Reaching the slope, she can see the birthing colors of tangerine painting the nearing peak with her legs a bit spent for not getting to work out recently. It tickles her insides, a scene she can only see better here and never at the urbanized pollution compressed into smaller hectares of land.</p><p> </p><p>Excitement gets the best of her, the thought of seeing sunrise at five — or maybe six in Siyeon's advancing mind — pushing her anticipation at its maximum.</p><p> </p><p>Perhaps it could be her fault for assuming no one would be awake at this hour — because there used to be none anyway — but can you blame her when it has been the same for the past decade? Save for the back of a woman, Siyeon presumes around her age, with their back appearing and suddenly everything was in stop-motion, that caught her incredibly off-guard.</p><p> </p><p>Siyeon was in buffers, registering an unknown presence at her and Minji's very stump, sitting with a similar setting in mind, wherein the colors they both brew are equal; the drips of morning dew blending with the ceasing twilight bidding farewell.</p><p> </p><p>It was the very same hue she had encountered the other day, the one where usually when you stumble upon a stranger, you'd never come back to the same place twice as mishaps can happen to anyone, and maybe she should be a tad bit afraid. </p><p> </p><p>Of what though? And that springs up eventually.</p><p> </p><p>She never really planned out what she'll do if she did end up meeting another lonely individual at the very spot she used to stay with Minji all the time; but here they are, Siyeon going unnoticed, and the unknown girl basking in the ambiance of the earth's soaring morn.</p><p> </p><p>Rays began stabbing her vision, blinding and everything warm.</p><p> </p><p>Next thing she knew, before she could let the moment pass and say a greeting, the stranger was no longer there.</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p>
<hr/><p> </p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>Octobers used to be her favorite time of the year, other than the fact that its first day represents the beginning of her existence, where surprises aren't mandatory as long as the people she loves are with her celebrating in ways more than one can typically manage to force out and she'd get kisses from each and everyone because she frequently is the one who initiates contact.</p><p> </p><p>And during those days when Minji scrapes her cheek with a breath of giggles and wishes, she'd melt in the fall faster than spring reaching summer.</p><p> </p><p>Except, things are different now.</p><p> </p><p>Siyeon's spent the inaugural day of the month so far with herself lining up in the small café that happened to open up three years ago that was actually fairing to an abundant number of customers as it could be the only one nearest to everyone living in the area.</p><p> </p><p>Waiting, she didn't mind. No deadlines or schedules has gotten her enough time to process everything she neglected in the past, and being able to be with her thoughts even just for a little longer was ample to keep her company.</p><p> </p><p>After ordering hot americano and a take-out french toast, crossing the transparent doors, a notion crossed her mind, focus shifted from the obsidian, searing beverage to the expanse of where the landscape's tip was located at the east from where she was situated.</p><p> </p><p>Briefly, she remembers the figure she witnessed days ago — a flash of alluring flame — and decided to walk the opposite way.</p><p> </p><p>She's not feeling it today, although doing nothing in her apartment isn't quite appealing either.</p><p> </p><p>Her feet halted as they almost walked past the bakery shop, and the cakes and pastries on display were tempting. She gave it a deliberate thought before buying chocolate mousse cake (Minji's favorite) in the end, a bit subconsciously because she was too used to buying another's favorite instead of hers.</p><p> </p><p>Or maybe that was an excuse to let herself be comforted by minimal memories that still resounds itself whenever she recalls or lays sights upon something meaningful to her (and at this point, she is most likely convinced Minji doesn't see things the same way she did).</p><p> </p><p>That night, tucked in her duvet and playing with the pen around her fingers with drafts spread out in fabrics and a cake slice on plate among the crumpled papers, her birthday was long forgotten.</p><p> </p><p>She understand her friends who can't make it to her planned mini gathering — Gahyeon was called in by her professor regarding her final proposal, Yoohyeon and Yubin will have not arrived yet until the 3rd of the month — but it did suck that she's alone here and shoving dessert into her mouth instead.</p><p> </p><p>Ink marking blanks, her lips pursing in thought.</p><p> </p><p>Could an emerging change be finally stroking her palette?</p><p> </p><p>After much debate, she answers with a beginning, her ballpoint scratching on a new sheet of surface.</p><p> </p><p>The sun.</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p>
<hr/><p> </p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>Minji calls her when it is a minute before her birthday ends.</p><p> </p><p>She flutters her eyes open through bleary freight, struggling to keep her mind intact when she brings her phone to her ear.</p><p> </p><p>When she recognizes the voice, butterflies instantly fluctuate her entire being within.</p><p> </p><p>Jolting from her bed, wits alive, she hears addiction woven wishful thinking, a titter that tickles her inside out.</p><p> </p><p>"Happy birthday, Singnie," greets Minji, then softly, "I miss you"</p><p> </p><p>"I miss you too," Siyeon says, quite hesitant because it meant something more, and proceeds to smile as if the receiver can see it.</p><p> </p><p>She feels the night become warm as it leaves behind a memory that sticks to her wall of undeveloped pieces close to her heart.</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>"So, wanna go and rent some jet skis?" Yoohyeon proposes, her mouth full of macaroons before earning a jab to her rib from Yubin.</p><p> </p><p>"I don't think that would be necessary," Yubin cuts in, wiping the crumbs Yoohyeon has procured while coughing a fit by her interruption.</p><p> </p><p>Siyeon hums, "I mean, since you two are also taking this time to relax, that's actually not a bad idea"</p><p> </p><p>"See! My ideas aren't that horrible"</p><p> </p><p>"I'm not saying they are," Yubin rolls her eyes at her significant other, adding chocolate to Yoohyeon's coffee to which the other gives a cheeky grin at the action as thanks, "But you know Siyeon isn't really keen to outdoor schemes"</p><p> </p><p>Siyeon was about to interject when Yubin adds, "the same goes with me"</p><p> </p><p>Yoohyeon frowns.</p><p> </p><p>"Plus, we are making up to Siyeon for missing her birthday gathering. So we should be hearing out her suggestions instead of ours, or <em> yours </em> for that matter"</p><p> </p><p>And whines.</p><p> </p><p>Contrasting ideas coming from the two of them weren't exactly new, and Siyeon was fine with it — was comforted by it actually — that there are things that are still the same in spite of the seconds that eat stagnate.</p><p> </p><p>"I don't really mind," She prompts, stabbing her loaf with her bread knife, "and it's not like I have anything specific I like to do"</p><p> </p><p>Chair skidded on floor with a harsh turn, Yoohyeon firmly set her angle to Yubin, "Let's go jet skiing then"</p><p> </p><p>The one being urged sighs, disagreeing with a tight lipped gaze.</p><p> </p><p>They never got to do anything when the afternoon was gone and the stars were making its deliberate appearance. </p><p> </p><p>Siyeon was fine with it though, kept her mind off of things like Minji.</p><p> </p><p>The same thought goes for the mysterious girl she still has no clue as to why she continues on losing sight of.</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>They say the third time's a charm. Luckily Siyeon was among those who'd have the truth of word for it.</p><p> </p><p>She did nothing short of splayed out on her mattress, making up her own constellations of connected imagery that surmises whatever lacking she had been meaning to fill up.</p><p> </p><p>Letting tick courses slip by, and when the dusk starts setting in, she thinks of taking the moment to give her legs a working cause, hence trailing back to where an edge sees the horizon.</p><p> </p><p>Blood wasn't circulating properly, and she feels the weight shifting gradually on each step.</p><p> </p><p>She finally reaches the top.</p><p> </p><p>The sight that greets her was indecipherable with the lacking coherence of any expression. </p><p> </p><p>Her heart skipped a beat, quite comparable with the infatuation she stuck to, but different nonetheless.</p><p> </p><p>This time she didn't shy away and stare, nor did she let the resting gold to distract her any further.</p><p> </p><p>With a bold, near finality, she speaks.</p><p> </p><p>A smile graces her face, and she feels her innards twist in great magnitude, nervous.</p><p> </p><p>Certainly the feeling was similar, but the distinction is what makes it apart from her dwelling past.</p><p> </p><p>"H-Hi," She forces out, mind stuttering to come up with a flow to ride on.</p><p> </p><p>The mysterious allure gazes to where she was, shock written all over her expression, making Siyeon falter. </p><p> </p><p>Nothing could have really prepared Siyeon in this moment of time, although it is funny that she even has the audacity to think of herself highly like that as if she intricately has one to bear.</p><p> </p><p>They stood there, borderline ogling and mutely tapping in their brains what move was to be next in line. Waiting, taking in all the suspense, on a pause that hangs in the air to be respired.</p><p> </p><p>The sun has already settled by the fraction of Siyeon's movement, her feet indenting the dirt beneath her sneakers as she takes the initiative and in hopes of not driving the girl away.</p><p> </p><p>She just wanted to maybe talk to someone.</p><p> </p><p>Being able to be with her friends recently, once again, has brought a new kind of courage within her.  And perhaps the notion of befriending anyone in her hometown after a long time, is her token of gratitude for the love she had been platonically receiving since the beginning that has helped her throughout her hardships.</p><p> </p><p>Or it's also because there was a flash of reluctance that was familiar, a blunder that took a piece of her, like a deja vu she can't quite place and has made her remember something close that she might have forgotten. Sealed in her erasures she desperately tried to overthrow each moment in line. It could be closer than Minji who has known her more than she even knows herself.</p><p> </p><p>"I—I'm sorry," they said, hands quick to wrap the shawl around their shoulders and veiled them upon their head.</p><p> </p><p>The figure sprinted down past a dazed Siyeon, and their figure retreated the more distance they covered.</p><p> </p><p>Siyeon was then left there, alone, again.</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p> </p><p>What defines a fault at hand? Siyeon could actually vaporize with how much thinking she had done for the partiality of her life's fourth stepping.</p><p> </p><p>Decreasing biting shivers by encircling her arms around herself, as the autumn breeze keeps getting colder each day; her thoughts, on the other hand, kept itself boiling with questions that can't be quenched with her own reasoning.</p><p> </p><p>One may be bound to not take trivial matters deeply, she shouldn't look into the occurrence more, nor should she analyze it with much decryption. It wasn't as if it's an impossible treasure to find, less an important artifact like she careers as an archeologist, but then again, it nags her with no rational force. It goes away till it finds its way back from where it began, a piece of a map that she tore because she thought of it with lacking significance as she rounds a repeating cycle.</p><p> </p><p>Repetitive taps resounded from her desk, the non-stop fidgets trying to rail back her thoughts from the encounter.</p><p> </p><p>Minutes later, she proceeds to leave her paper blank with a title that remains untouched.</p><p> </p><p>Perhaps today was not the time.</p><p> </p><p>(Nor was yesterday).</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>9 am stroke her wrist watch when she hauls herself to the cliff once again.</p><p> </p><p>Hilarious others would think of her curiosity since the day before, but nothing can really clear her mind until she settles this inkling that keeps her awake. The very same grasping laced with affection that has pierced through her heart when she realizes sentiment beyond friendship years ago.</p><p> </p><p>Could the very encounter have contributed to the reviving sensation that has long been dormant when it dawned upon her the rejection she could have faced thus stopping her from ever pursuing? It was not impossible — rather it was that same reason she didn't even try.</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>And here she is, defying her own principle.</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>Soil grunged with the soles of her shoes, she let it sink a little while she sat on the stump, facing the ocean's tract and where the contrast bathed itself under the sun.</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>Siyeon then waits. Hoping for the girl to come.</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>The girl didn't come.</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p>
<hr/><p> </p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>"Maybe you just scared her," Yoohyeon consoles, eyeing Siyeon who's down on one knee and searching for a pebble or a tiny shell that could be shallowly buried by the sand to be used as a throw for her frustrations with.</p><p> </p><p>Finding a cracked shell, she pinched it with her fingers, palmed it, and aimed from the shore, "I already told you the whole thing, right? What could have I possibly done to scare her?"</p><p> </p><p>Siyeon frowns when her ammo only hopped two times before succumbing in the waters.</p><p> </p><p>Yoohyeon did the same, and launched hers, earning four ripples, then followed by the water swallowing it.</p><p> </p><p>She shrugs, now lowering herself down to a crouch, following Siyeon’s eye level, “We would never know what’s on their minds as of that moment, right? I mean, in my case, if ever I got into a similar situation with Yubin, knowing how she would react if I did just pop out of nowhere and greet her without us really knowing who we are prior, I might have just scurried her away without me having such intention in the first place”</p><p> </p><p>“But you already know Yubin, of course you’d think otherwise”</p><p> </p><p>“I agree, but think about this way,” The younger puckers her lips, averting her gaze from the sun setting and its glory strikes of gold brimming down to Siyeon’s crumpled demeanor, “If I didn’t yell out in the library by accident and failed to escape from detention with Yubin as the substitute in place for the professor’s absence, I wouldn’t have known she’d be my significant other ten years from now”</p><p> </p><p>Siyeon thought about it, she really did, but it kind of narrows her thought into one singular thing as to why Yoohyeon’s telling this to her as if she hadn’t said this a million times when she does a stupid mistake that reminded Yoohyeon of her particular errors. </p><p> </p><p>“Are you telling me that you want me to be like you? Transforming a misunderstanding to my advantage like I’m ever going to see her again?”</p><p> </p><p>A groan slipped past Yoohyeon’s mouth, shaking her head in disapproval, “What I mean, is that you shouldn’t take things to heart when you haven’t really done anything wrong the moment that took place. Additionally, your intentions weren’t bad, at least that <em> she </em>should know”</p><p> </p><p>Silence briefs past them.</p><p> </p><p>“And yes you’re correct about your initial guess —" Yoohyeon dodged a flying punch from the raven-haired, “ — but it’s because I believe there’s a good chance that you’ll see her again”</p><p> </p><p>At the thought, Siyeon’s heart pumps itself in a beat that only she can distinguish, the familiar tune of anticipation, and stopped her flurry of attacks. </p><p> </p><p>“What makes you think that?”</p><p> </p><p>Yoohyeon smiles, almost unearthing, like she knows.</p><p> </p><p>She lets her wrist rotate, gesturing their surroundings, or of that beyond.</p><p> </p><p>“You saw her at the edge of our town, yeah?”</p><p> </p><p>Siyeon nods.</p><p> </p><p>“That can only mean one thing”</p><p> </p><p>Leaning in to hear it, Siyeon then pushed Yoohyeon to the grains when she did and walked back to where her jeep was parked at the asphalt area of the beach that connects to the road back and left Yoohyeon yelling at shore.</p><p> </p><p>She can’t believe she's going to even try and have faith in what Yoohyeon said. </p><p> </p><p>Then again, Siyeon thinks as she catches a glimpse of her watch that indicates past 5 pm, she can’t help but do so.</p><p> </p><p>Not that she’s curious or anything like that.</p><p> </p><p>Nor her desperation for answers she’d never had a question to but is still searching for.</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p><em> "It's fate, y'know" </em> </p><p> </p><p>Siyeon scoffs, gripping at the handles of her wheel tightly.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> As if. </em>
</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p>
<hr/><p> </p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>Yubin received a call a little bit later, a whine that reaches her ears the instant she presses ‘call’.</p><p> </p><p>“Hm?”</p><p> </p><p>“Can you come pick me up? Siyeon just abandoned me here on the beach”</p><p> </p><p>“What did you do this time?”</p><p> </p><p>An offensive gasp pierced through her from her phone, “How can you assume that I did something wrong?!”</p><p> </p><p>“Because most of the time it is your doing that you get stranded somewhere without me around,” Yubin chuckled, taking a sip from her searing chocolate drink.</p><p> </p><p>When Yubin heard Yoohyeon groan in statics, she can’t help but let out another dismayed shake of a head with an endearment she’s already used to, and went to grab the keys hanging from the hook stuck on a wall.</p><p> </p><p>“I’ll be there in 10”</p><p> </p><p>Enthusiasm filled her hearing, and it was enough for Yubin to smile and put down her phone by ending the call and shoving it in her pocket.</p><p> </p><p>Once having a coat in her arms for Yoohyeon, she finally went out the door with a clink.</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p>
<hr/><p> </p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>Gahyeon got her thesis approved a few days later, and it was the perfect time to gather round and celebrate the success she had been gurgling for for the past weeks.</p><p> </p><p>It was rare for her to be the one paying for the drinks as she puts in an excuse for an investment she had been putting in bills for when she doesn’t really have a stable job yet as she’s still a student in her final years. Better to start early, she said once in her chuckling state of toxication. And sometimes, Siyeon doesn't really understand how Gahyeon gets to know these things so early during her age. In her shoes, she’d just go and play by the shore with Minji and they’d run around the sand barefooted. Once the limit reached their limbs, they’d fall into each other's embrace and a clutch that hindered Siyeon weakly. She remembers being so smitten by a smile she never realized she’d soon miss the more they spend time together (moreso apart), because now when they are so out of touch, she can’t help but go back to those mundane moments — they occurred too much in their daily lives that Siyeon discerns that she can’t live without them. Obviously enough through the pining she’s still undergoing in spite of the years that have transpired.</p><p> </p><p>In any case, when Gahyeon announced she would be the one holding the stash, Siyeon didn’t hesitate to jump in the wagon of free drinks to celebrate. While partly it’s to rejoice Gahyeon’s incredible achievement, it is also an opportunity to let loose after being consumed with recurrences she’d always dismiss at any given time.</p><p> </p><p>“Cheers!”</p><p> </p><p>They clink their respective drinks, jaws aching from laughing and smiling inside the crowded pub of the town. It was a weekend, so it wasn’t really a surprise that the boisterous guffaws of the other patrons were filling up the corners of the place. A mug of beer was for Siyeon, a cider for Yubin, a bubbling iced gin for Yoohyeon and pure vodka for Gahyeon.</p><p> </p><p>Yubin ought to be scared, but then again, it was the youngest’s juncture to splurge whatever drinks she had in mind to chug down. So she lets her, while glancing at her way every few seconds while also checking at her girlfriend who keeps on encouraging Gahyeon to chug the whole bottle of vodka.</p><p> </p><p>Siyeon’s wary, but knowing she has Yubin with her, she lets her tense shoulders relax — a weensy bit.</p><p> </p><p>‘<em>Right, this is okay.</em>’ Siyeon resounds to herself as the performers on stage begin to set up.</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>Well, it would have been.</p><p> </p><p>The lights began to dim itself as the ambiance shifts from openly to focus on the performance brewing upfront the platform. A headlight hanging above veers towards the stage in an instant.</p><p> </p><p>Siyeon hasn't really been in the pub now that she notices. She usually hogs herself in her room trying to write lyrics in her spare time and to some work-related businesses in spite of her stay here being a vacation.</p><p> </p><p>Whenever she feels infiltrated by her own thoughts, she tries to write them all out and smoothen out the fear and doubts she'd unwillingly accumulate at random instances, turning them into pieces of solace through melodies — an incantation made by and for her.</p><p> </p><p>Delved in bringing her compositions up for the take, of course it's no surprise that Siyeon has listened to a lot of songs in various genres to help mold a newer piece among the existing ones.</p><p> </p><p>Music was her whole life and passion, after all. She produces not only because it's her job and the only thing that's keeping her to pay taxes and necessities, but it is also her existence. Her purpose in this world that bolts her down to perceive life in a different perspective that averts her pains and transforms them into arts of wishful thinking.</p><p> </p><p>So everything related to music and its performances, she can't help but anticipate and be blown away by something she never would have a hint at.</p><p> </p><p>As the first note struck, a voice that was incredibly enchanting lured her attention in a snap.</p><p> </p><p>She shifts her focus from the dews that adorned her mug to the light that focuses on an individual sitting on a high stool; their back poised, hair falling into an array of carotene and dissipating crimson, and hands on the stand of the microphone as they let the timbre of their lulls reach the audience in one sweep; rapturing Siyeon in a single gaze when their eyes connect.</p><p> </p><p>Once the recognition sinks in, slowly, like savoring the flavor of first times and enlightenment, Siyeon froze on her spot like she had been caught.</p><p> </p><p>Taking in a deep breath, the stupor that holds her down, she relishes in this new feeling.</p><p> </p><p>It was liberating.</p><p> </p><p>New, and breaking free.</p><p> </p><p>A fleeting moment of renewal that she needed all along.</p><p> </p><p>Nameless, but instills something Siyeon knows she can grasp its meaning of if she lets herself fall a little more. A little more before she empties the space she seeks when she leans to take a peek in a deep well of boundless beauty.</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>A fraction lets itself slip.</p><p> </p><p>Siyeon gives in with her sighs going to a sight, together with her ears that were overwhelmed by the voice that captivates instantly.</p><p> </p><p>She thinks Yoohyeon still has her wits whether Siyeon never really likes it or not to that extent.</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>Swallowing the remnants of her tasteless beverage, she lets the warmth seep in.</p><p> </p><p>So, it really was <em> her</em>.</p><p> </p><p>The girl that blends in with the sunsets before twilight.</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p>
<hr/><p> </p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>Siyeon had already planned to go backstage and meet up with the singer. To do what exactly? She'll think about it later on. Right now, her priority was to meet her.</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>But of course things don't go that way easily.</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>"What do you mean she already left?" She tries tiptoeing past the bouncer in charge of the back area to at least get a whiff of evidence that the woman was already gone, but the build of this man was huge, making it impossible for her to even land a clear vision of the path.</p><p> </p><p>The man had his arms crossed, but his expression was more of exhaustion than irritation that most would have when it comes to meddling strangers attempting to enter the rear.</p><p> </p><p>"Miss, I've already told you that she already left whether you believe me or not," his answer was gruffed, and steps aside quickly to let a bass player pass before covering the entrance again with his body, "she always come on the dot of when she'll perform and immediately leaves the minute she's done. It's her routine and you should probably ask her instead of me about where she went"</p><p> </p><p>"You must at least know something," Siyeon was getting desperate, and it made her question for a snippet as to why she's like this.</p><p> </p><p>What has the woman got to do with anything she had been in turmoil for the longest without the aid from her friends or even Minji?</p><p> </p><p>She doesn't know.</p><p> </p><p>And that is why she needs to at least douse this gurgling spectacle of unexplainable fervor.</p><p> </p><p>Halting her calf ups and taking a step back, she asks the man again, "You must at least have her number, right?"</p><p> </p><p>Quite a bold move from her, a stranger, but she takes her chances.</p><p> </p><p>"That's classified information. Unless you have a valid reason as to why you need it, I'm afraid it's time for you to go"</p><p> </p><p>And she did.</p><p> </p><p>Only because she doesn't want to cause any further commotion. Not when her friends were still in the midst of celebrating. She doesn't want to ruin their time all because of her selfish reasons.</p><p> </p><p>Hands in pocket, she trudges back to the counter and sits beside Yubin who was busy prodding Yoohyeon to drink water when she returns.</p><p> </p><p>"C'mon babe, just a little bit more water in your system and you can have your," Yubin twirls her hand around, searching for the term in her memory bank, "vanguard deck"</p><p> </p><p>Siyeon can see the mess of fading highlights with its locks bunched up when Yoohyeon lifted her head, eyes half-lidded, and having a hard time mustering a coherent syllable before eliciting a dazed chuckle when she answered, "You don't even know what deck it is"</p><p> </p><p>"Whatever patch it is, I won't return it unless you finish the remaining water in your glass"</p><p> </p><p>"I—I don't...uhh... really play… err...vanguard— anymore," Yoohyeon hiccups and jumbles, leaning to her elbow to keep herself upright, but failing.</p><p> </p><p>"I'll let you listen to a demo of mine if you finish this glass," Yubin offers, filling up the container with water again.</p><p> </p><p>"Deal," The drunken girl immediately concedes, not much to Siyeon's astonishment, really.</p><p> </p><p>Yoohyeon took the glass and downed the whole thing with a satisfied hoot, and swiftly got her arms to wrap around Yubin, pulling her close to a hug.</p><p> </p><p>The other groans, the particular one where she goes <em> here we go again </em> with Yoohyeon rubbing her face to hers and tightening the embrace on each muzzle.</p><p> </p><p>"She's truly a dog whenever she drinks," Siyeon laughs, making Yubin do the same.</p><p> </p><p>"Funny how she wants us to get a dog when we both were planning to move out four years ago. Now when we did, it feels like we don't even need one when she's the one compensating for that missing category in our catalogue"</p><p> </p><p>"And you like it either way"</p><p> </p><p>Siyeon can see the way Yubin's demeanor softens, her thumb running across Yoohyeon's limped state by the alcohol and lets her eyes sweep at the crinkle Yoohyeon makes when she notices Yubin with stories to tell.</p><p> </p><p>This moment in time, when Yoohyeon can only ensue a whine and is extremely giddy that she wants to cuddle, Yubin knows there would never be a dull scenario with Yoohyeon.</p><p> </p><p>Because she's her everything.</p><p> </p><p>Everything's a huge word. An overstatement, maybe.</p><p> </p><p>She is though, <em> her </em>everything.</p><p> </p><p>"Yeah," Yubin mumbled, and breathed, "I do"</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>"I'M SO HAPPY TODAY BECAUSE MY THESIS GOT ACCEPTED, THEREFORE I'M GOING TO PAY EVERYONE FOR THEIR DRINKS"</p><p> </p><p>They hear a shout coming from the other end of the counter, a shout only they can recognize from miles apart.</p><p> </p><p>Oh shit.</p><p> </p><p>Gahyeon was waving her less than half bottle of vodka in the air before Siyeon stepped in to stop her from making any further regrets.</p><p> </p><p>"Sorry! She drank some and doesn't mean what she's saying! Have a goodnight everyone!"</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p> </p><p>When she reaches the doorstep to Gahyeon's household, she grunts at the weight that she tries to carry.</p><p> </p><p>Technically Gahyeon wasn't heavy, it was just that Siyeon's not doing any exercises recently. She'd blame her work for that, but honestly, it was the reminiscing about the past that made her lose hours into a spiral. The days blending with the nights, unable to determine what part of the calendar it was by then.</p><p> </p><p>Carrying the unconscious girl was already tasking enough, but to have herself knock with balancing her too is impossible.</p><p> </p><p>Thankfully the doorbell was still available and she was able to hit it with her shoulder with much effort.</p><p> </p><p>A click from the door made her expect a welcoming gesture, however, she forgot whose on the other side of the house.</p><p> </p><p>“Gahyeon where the heck have you been?! I was trying to call your ass for how many times - Oh! Siyeon!”</p><p> </p><p>Siyeon griped a bit when Gahyeon lost muscle in her and almost tumbled herself out of her arms, “Bora, a little help?”</p><p> </p><p>Bora’s exuberant laugh came first before she finally helped Siyeon and handled her with ease by placing the youngest on the couch first.</p><p> </p><p>The carrier helped herself in, carefully shutting the door behind her and shook off her black boots, placing them by the shoe rack.</p><p> </p><p>“Heard from Gahyeon that you were here in town a few weeks back!” Bora started off, pacing to the kitchen and grabbed two cups of cool water. She gave one to Siyeon, and the other she tried to urge Gahyeon to drink with some oral rehydration salts mixed in it.</p><p> </p><p>Siyeon encircled her fingers around the glass, chuckling in reply, “Yeah, I was wondering where you were in town, but I guess work got the best of me and holed myself in my room at home instead”</p><p> </p><p>“Up to this day you’re still a workaholic ass, huh?”</p><p> </p><p>“Says you who has been busy with the studio”</p><p> </p><p>“Okay, first of all, maintaining a very small and unfunded dance studio is difficult as fuck. Of course with me and Seungyeon being the only ones who gives a shit about it, we’re bound to it whether we like it — nah that’s just it, we like it too much to let it go unsupervised with some reeking tenant assholes trying to rip it off our hands”</p><p> </p><p>“The annoying creeps, huh?”</p><p> </p><p>Bora guffawed, then slapped Gahyeon’s butt because of the retaliation the other was giving when Bora offered the drink, “Tell me about it! - Yah! You better consume this shit whole before the sun rises or else you'd have a shitty headache!”</p><p> </p><p>Witnessing all of this happen in the middle of Bora ranting about her job makes it more endearing.</p><p> </p><p>"So, how are things with Minji?"</p><p> </p><p>Truthfully, Siyeon should have seen the question coming, but it still makes her jump whenever she's been asked about her. It is not their fault to assume when Minji contacts Siyeon more frequently than others. That thought alone should make her feel happy about it. But, nothing can beat the overthinking that she always bears whenever her mind drifts to the past. How things would have been — could have been different if she didn't let go and tried to fight for something she wouldn't know where it would lead to unless she did. If she just had the courage to face the fears that always devours her thoughts, maybe she would become a better version of herself, the one where she would be liberating and confident and, maybe, just maybe, satisfied with what she has, at least. The regrets none-existing, and all these <em> what if </em>s, gone.</p><p> </p><p>"We're…" Siyeon doesn't know. </p><p> </p><p>What were they? She doesn't really get to know.</p><p> </p><p>She was sure of one thing though.</p><p> </p><p>"...She's fine, actually. Living her life in Canada, y'know?"</p><p> </p><p>"Don't give me that crap Siyeon," Bora smiles, then it comes to an earnest tilt, giving more of the bare question she was implying.</p><p> </p><p>A serious answer, huh.</p><p> </p><p>"You know what I mean," She lets Siyeon squirm a bit in her place, not exactly uncomfortable, but Siyeon would be inclined to just avoid, or even ignore, the mention of Minji's presence — more of how is Siyeon still handling everything, the unwillingness to make herself go forward and release herself from these chains that differ from loyalty. It was like keeping herself hostage without anyone holding her captive.</p><p> </p><p>And Bora was worried Siyeon was still locked to it.</p><p> </p><p>"I'm still trying," Truth slips out easily like a tired old friend, " But it's never been enough. Not when she keeps talking to me every night when I'm still awake, or when she waits for me to finish whatever I was doing before she can call, or every time we miss each other we would open the cameras to see what has changed between us other than the distance. Is she faring well? Has she been okay at her apartment? I remember she was having problems with a leakage at the corner of her bathroom. As moments of talking mindlessly about how our days went, I would still be hesitant to say <em> I love you </em>, even platonically, because for me, it has an entirely different meaning from seven years ago"</p><p> </p><p>Siyeon can feel her palms itch at the missing touch, the habit she would always do when she's anxious, when she's overthinking, when she misses her warmth and contact and everything that has been amiss that she wanted to forget. The missing smile she'd be too blinded to stare at but would let it smolder her gradually till she no longer knows what true burning was. She was so used to it that, somehow, even up to this day, no matter how much she neglects and adapts with the changes as her new normal, it was still impossible for her to erase the routine that is Kim Minji.</p><p> </p><p>Her heart ached, breathing becoming narrower the more she reimagines what life would have been if she wasn't so scared to move on, to build up everything from scratch, to detach herself from the things she missed during the good old days, to increase the love for herself, to rip herself from the routine she had been doing and formulate a better alternative, to become content of what she has right now, to love her friends more, to reduce the wallowing she'd always get herself into, to shred the love songs she'd always write as if they could be heard, to forget about Minji, to not buy the foods the remind her of Minji, to stop going to places they once were as teenagers, to never reminiscing about the memories they shared, to apologize to Minji, to be sufficient for Minji as a friend instead, to be strong enough.</p><p> </p><p>To love Minji.</p><p> </p><p>What it would have been if she was brave enough to love Minji.</p><p> </p><p>Before she can fathom the words that had been said, the thoughts that had been running at full speed, the patience that Bora had been installing for Siyeon to continue, Siyeon bursts into overwhelming tears, the silence that accompanies her as Bora wrapped her in an embrace opening a fall that hits rock bottom.</p><p> </p><p>The realization that she still loves Minji this much <em> fucking </em>hurts.</p><p> </p><p>As she sobs into Bora's woolen cardigan, she knows she can do nothing about it.</p><p> </p><p>That alone makes it more unbearable.</p><p> </p><p>"I just miss her"</p><p> </p><p>Bora hums in acknowledgement.</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>Bora insisted that Siyeon should stay for the night, but she already had Gahyeon to take care of, so she refused politely and told her that she wants to walk this out.</p><p> </p><p>The older woman understands and tells her she's welcome into their home anytime, and Siyeon was grateful to hear that.</p><p> </p><p>Skidding asphalt with her state in abstaining booze, Siyeon in her leather black jacket, cargo pants and shoes, decided that she'd be tracing her steps back to where it all began.</p><p> </p><p>She told herself this was to see the sunrise since it's at least 5 am.</p><p> </p><p>The succor it brings to her, however, she denies, but is actually another reason she decided to go.</p><p> </p><p>Or maybe it’s because she wanted to see the past after talking to Bora about it for a few hours before she had sobered up and decided to go.</p><p><br/>
<br/>
<br/>
<br/>
</p><p>When she reached the stump, she was scared out of her wits to see the singer at the pub, the one she had been looking for all night after her performance, to be sitting on her spot, humming a song she was sure to be one of those operas she had accompanied Yoohyeon to once with Yubin. Was the title of the music piece <em> Think of Me </em>? Or something along the lines of that? Siyeon forgot, because her mind was fumbled with her mere presence here that disrupted her train of thought.</p><p> </p><p>“H-hello?” Siyeon could only meek out, her instincts telling her to stand down and stay where she was, not wanting to ruin their encounter more than it already has been.</p><p> </p><p>The woman stutters in her place, back turned from the vast sky to where Siyeon was stilled like a statue as they test the waters again — who would move and back out or who will break this peculiar tension that brews every time they meet between them.</p><p> </p><p>First instinct Siyeon did was put her hands up, attempting to relay the message of her being harmless.</p><p> </p><p>"I am not here to do anything — nor am I a bad person," she starts with the cold, breeze of dawn whistling through them, "I just want to — or maybe we — can we talk?"</p><p> </p><p>Okay, not the best way to initiate the conversation.</p><p> </p><p>"What do you want from me?" </p><p> </p><p>The low voice of the woman echoes in Siyeon's ears, registering the words carefully as she tries not to let the heart that grips her nervous to not fuck this up.</p><p> </p><p>"Nothing! Actually!" She waves her hands frantically, brain turning to mush the more she stares at the stranger before her.</p><p> </p><p>"Why do you keep following me?"</p><p> </p><p>Siyeon perks up, ears at a disbelief, "Following you? I wasn't. It just happens that whenever I come up here, you'd be as well"</p><p> </p><p>"Who the heck comes here at 5 am?"</p><p> </p><p>She shrugs, "I don't know. You ask me stranger-who's-also-here-at-5-in-the-morning-to-watch-the-sunrise"</p><p> </p><p>Siyeon clamps her mouth shut a bit too late once she realizes what she has let her honesty run into.</p><p> </p><p>Oh boy.</p><p> </p><p>"I—uh, wait, I didn't mean it that way uh—"</p><p> </p><p>A giggle was released from the apprehension of the other woman, palms hovering to cover her mouth in mannerism.</p><p> </p><p>"You're funny"</p><p> </p><p>Siyeon felt a blush make its way to her cheeks as she held back a groan.</p><p> </p><p>"S-Sorry, it wasn't my intention to mock you"</p><p> </p><p>"Don't be silly. It's my fault for making a bad impression of you when you just wanted to… talk?" The lady wrapped in her night wrap painted by the faint luminescence of the lamp post stationed near the stump (that was new from ages ago, Siyeon just noticed its existence now) says, and clearly she was beautiful than Siyeon could have ever initially envisaged from their countless of unexpected crossings.</p><p> </p><p>"I'm Siyeon. Lee Siyeon," <em> Wow, what a great onset Siyeon. Real smooth. </em></p><p> </p><p>The embarrassment crawling to the back of her spine was enough for her to feel the backfiring of this stupid reasoning of hers. What was she here in the first place? All she can perceive, right now, is that she seems abandoning the greater she tries to extinguish this need to talk to this woman whom she presumes she'll never meet again once this is all over.</p><p> </p><p>Besides, who'd really want to talk to a stranger like her who had just got back here to town specifically just to take a few months off of the city due to her intense grinding at work before she has settled herself a place?</p><p> </p><p>This singer, though, never fails to bring shock to Siyeon even in the most unusual scenarios Siyeon would find herself impossible to be confronted with. Because Siyeon thinks that the benefit of the doubt will never do her wonders.</p><p> </p><p>"I'm Handong, by the way," The woman, the allure, the stranger that has kept Siyeon curious — Handong — holds up her hand for a shake.</p><p> </p><p>Siyeon ogles for a moment, still shaken how this instance was even occurring.</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>They both take a careful grasp before shyly reciprocating the gesture.</p><p> </p><p>"So, uhm —"</p><p> </p><p>"Please, have a seat,"Handong gestured to the space beside her. </p><p> </p><p>The stump she helps herself with, the stump that encompassed memories Siyeon can't even bring herself to recall. The stump she once called theirs and will always will be, with Minji.</p><p> </p><p>Her heart ached.</p><p> </p><p>But she still took a seat beside the girl and let herself quietly observe the beauty that is Handong, who is immersed with the starless night approaching morn.</p><p> </p><p>"What were you doing that first time we've seen each other?" Handong began, her eyes not leaving the clouds murking the atmosphere.</p><p> </p><p>Answering the inquiry was simple, yet for some reason, for some personal cause, she can't outwardly say why.</p><p> </p><p>Because she was lost and was searching for meaning in her life even after her success as a songwriter? Or that her first thought was Minji and the memories that surges within her lead her here right after she dumped her things at home the minute she set foot in town?</p><p> </p><p>It was stupid once she recalls.</p><p> </p><p>Then again, Handong is still a stranger to her, she wouldn't mind if Siyeon does tell her the truth, right?</p><p> </p><p>She won't care after all of this will pass.</p><p> </p><p>They are just both aliens to one another that coincidentally met on the same stump, both expecting the sun to rise or set depending on their encounters, nothing more.</p><p> </p><p>Yeah, that's all there is to it.</p><p> </p><p> "To relieve heartache, I guess?" Siyeon proposes, earning a gaze from the orange-head.</p><p> </p><p>"Heartache," the other repeated, fixating her vision back to the horizon, a pigment of light peeking itself quietly in the middle, a signal of an upcoming.</p><p> </p><p>"I could say the same," she murmurs.</p><p> </p><p>It was Siyeon's turn to give a glance, curious to her side of the story.</p><p> </p><p>"Mine's being incapable of leaving this place and pursuing my dreams," Handong continues, leaning against her arms that were propped behind her as support, then gives a look to Siyeon for reciprocation.</p><p> </p><p>Siyeon took this as a good sign to converse and let her heart speak of its painful sentiment, "a one-sided thing," she tries to shrug it out, but she can't even if she just wants this to be a lighthearted topic.</p><p> </p><p>"Oh? A rejection?"</p><p> </p><p>She shook her head, "unable to confess that is," hands scratching the back of her nape, "I'm much of a coward to even give it a shot"</p><p> </p><p>"Doesn't that make you lose your shot then?"</p><p> </p><p>"Perhaps," Siyeon rests her weight on her hands, fingers clenching on the stump without hurting, unlike her inwards that were churning with memories, "but I'd rather not risk than procuring a possibility of losing someone i love"</p><p> </p><p>"Love, huh?"</p><p> </p><p>Handong chuckled when Siyeon sunk further in her seat in sheer embarrassment.</p><p> </p><p>"That's a strong word to commit to someone," Handong instead tells, to not shame Siyeon with what she felt. There was nothing wrong with feeling so strongly to someone.</p><p> </p><p>White splashes into their vision, the sun revealing itself gradually from its slumber, coloring the sky blue with dandelion and gold.</p><p> </p><p>Siyeon squints her eyes, barely, to see the reflection of the sun before her, like the soft awakening of a voice of the other that she almost missed if not for her trained ears.</p><p> </p><p>"I can never even commit such a thing for myself," Handong whispers, her head stooped down a bit to shield her eyes with the harsh rays before rising again to see the shimmers of dawn, spreading through the ground below the cliff and the leaves of the trees shading to chartreuse.</p><p> </p><p>"It's commendable, i think," She continues, removing her hand from covering her lids to Siyeon's whose attention been captured ever since the rise, "to be able to devote love for another instead of yourself"</p><p> </p><p>Siyeon felt her heart prance a beat.</p><p> </p><p>Suddenly, she felt valid. It warms her, inside-out.</p><p> </p><p>"Thanks"</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>At one point, after a few  hours of talking and laughing at recalled hesitancy, Siyeon decided to bid farewell, almost forgetting her lunch appointment with all of her friends and the need to wake up later before noon.</p><p> </p><p>She didn't need to take a shut eye now because she doesn't trust herself to take a nap and wake up the next hour.</p><p> </p><p>"Okay," Handong smiles, albeit laced with sadness.</p><p> </p><p>Rubbing her hands together to produce heat, she turns quickly to Handong with uncertainty, "C-Can we see each other again?" She adds a grin, sheepishly scratching the warmth that spikes through her nape and around her ears, "I—I quite enjoyed your company, and I don't know, I think I'd like to keep in touch — as friends y'know. It's been a while since I've made any friends here from the last time I was here and —"</p><p> </p><p>"That'd be lovely," Handong then stands up, "I should be going back too, if that's the case"</p><p> </p><p>"Let's go down together then," Siyeon offers a hand.</p><p> </p><p>Handong didn't take it though.</p><p> </p><p>"S-Sorry," She apologizes when she notices, "I don—"</p><p> </p><p>"N-No! It's fine! Totally fine! It's my fault that I initiated a gesture that's a bit over the line considering the fact that we just met"</p><p> </p><p>"That's…" The redhead paused, ponders, then nods in understanding, "Alright then"</p><p> </p><p>Together they walk in silence, the dying leaves fluttering down and accompanying them in their wake.</p><p> </p><p>Ankle-free sneakers together with boots that reach the higher knee, plodding in silence — Siyeon sort of liked it.</p><p> </p><p>Thus was the beginning of an end.</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>
  <em> "I'm sorry," Siyeon's voice cracks in blurred lines, her eyes shut close as she held the device close to her ear. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> "There is nothing to be sorry for, Siyeon-ah" </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> "You don't understand…" She can feel her breathing getting tighter and tighter and tighter. It was impossible to gain the ability to do so when her mind's going into an overdrive that she doesn't understand anything anymore. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> All she knows is that, she's sorry. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Silence envelopes their call, the respires filling each other instead. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Siyeon's heart was at her throat, choking her every fiber, every being that is her. She hates it. Hates how much she can't afford to keep up with this facade she names it as "friends". She just can't take it any longer. She wants to burst, to say the forbidden and break what was once theirs. Yet, the fear that Minji will see her negatively, might treat her differently, would change their ways into unfamiliarity, scares her more than she could have ever had the proof of even loving. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Siyeon just can't say it. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> "I… may not understand," Minji whispers, like a remedy to a chronic illness. Siyeon felt her world close in on her, a tunnel that leads to a wonderland only she confides in, and when she did, suddenly everything was too beautiful. Too wishful, a lie she'd promptly take. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> "But all I can tell, is that no matter what happens to me or to you, if our relationship changes because of the distance, none of it is your fault, at all. Do you understand?" </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Liar. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> "I love you so much Siyeon, you should always know that," Minji continues, and it only makes Siyeon cry her heart out in unrequited agony, "I'm sorry that I'm going to be away for a while. I'll come back there once I've stabilized my job here" </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Siyeon can't say it. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> "You know I'll always come back" </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> The one with tears clutched to her heart, could only muffle a nod, an acknowledgement only she knew was fraud. All she was, is just falling into an endless abyss of deception. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> It was too much. Siyeon can't say it. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> "And that's a promise I'm always willing to keep" </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Siyeon sniffs, letting out a sound of recognition. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> She still can't say it. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> "Especially for you, Siyeon" </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> The faltering she felt as her lips incapacitated her to utter a sound, was discernible. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> "I have to go now Siyeon-ah. I'll talk to you later, okay?" </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> She hears the line dying then.  </em>
</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>
  <em> "I love you" </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Even after saying it with all of her, tears nonetheless rolled down her cheek as she huddled her knees close to her chest, hiding herself on the floor of her kitchen as if she'd succumb to it. </em>
</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p>
<hr/><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>Handong found Siyeon this time.</p><p> </p><p>Another shift was done early, and with more time to spare she decided to visit the park for a change of scenery.</p><p> </p><p>She didn't expect Siyeon to be sitting on one of the swings, head downcast with a can of black coffee grasped by her left hand.</p><p> </p><p>Handong wasn't exactly a huge emotional sensor, but she does know that something was wrong and instead of usually avoiding getting herself pulled down by some stranger's misery, she lets her walls crumble a bit, to let the outsider peek what could be on the inside.</p><p> </p><p>Taking the vacant swing beside Siyeon, she then sways herself with it, giving muted companionship.</p><p> </p><p>It took a sip of her remaining coffee for Siyeon to speak, "Aren't you going to ask?"</p><p> </p><p>A creak from the rusted chains, "Ask what?"</p><p> </p><p>"...like, what am i doing here?"</p><p> </p><p>"I was, but you beat me to it," Handong lets out a smirk, pushing herself a bit higher into the air.</p><p> </p><p>Siyeon chuckled, "Right."</p><p> </p><p>"Do tell me though," Handong prompts, tilting her head a bit and slows down, "What's on your mind?"</p><p> </p><p>Siyeon was tempted to spill everything out.</p><p> </p><p>She settles with, "A lot."</p><p> </p><p>"Okay then," The other nods, then proceeds with, "Care to share one?"</p><p> </p><p>It induces a smile on Siyeon's lips, appreciating the kind notion.</p><p> </p><p>"One of them is just about writing another composition. A writer’s block if you will"</p><p> </p><p>"Oh! You're a songwriter?" </p><p> </p><p>Siyeon swore if she narrowed her sight a bit, she saw Handong’s eyes sparkle in its fraction.</p><p> </p><p>She bobs her head to agree with Handong.</p><p> </p><p>“That is so cool”</p><p> </p><p>That brought a smile to Siyeon’s face, “I guess”</p><p> </p><p>“I can’t cure a writer’s block,” says Handong, leaving the swing’s chair and brought up a hand to Siyeonn for her to take, “but we can try abating that frown of yours”</p><p> </p><p>Funny how Siyeon didn’t hesitate to clasp her hand instantly with the one who rejected hers during their previous meeting.</p><p> </p><p>But it was nice, to be the one being offered.</p><p> </p><p>In the end, they got ice cream from Handong’s favorite dessert parlor and jokes around, their mouths tainted by the consumed frozen dairy.</p><p> </p><p>For once, Siyeon didn’t get to mope around in her room with lists of <em> what ifs </em> ringing in her ears, only melodious laughter and prim but graceful and free ambiance of the girl in flaming locks, and the pulls of her bomber jacket that leads to places she never realizes when visited twice with a companion was much more fulfilling than when alone.</p><p><br/>
<br/>
<br/>
</p><p>The soonest she got back home, she grabbed her pen that was idling on her container and began crossing out some lines on her draft, changing some lyrics in less than a few hours, and then the title.</p><p> </p><p>With a satisfied hum, she heads to the bathroom to take a shower.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> The sunrise. </em>
</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p>
<hr/><p> </p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>"You should come to the pub and sing with me sometimes," Handong suggested, surveying through one of the many lyrics splayed on Siyeon's bed.</p><p> </p><p>Two weeks after they had officially met, Siyeon was sick and couldn't get up due to her condition. Handong was persistent to bring in some medicinal tablets and some soup, making Siyeon yield and give her address because her parents aren't around till the next year because her grandmother needed assistance at her home, leaving her to be here alone because she already made plans.</p><p> </p><p>Weirdly enough, her parents understood, at some point, and told her to call during the holidays.</p><p> </p><p>And sometimes, she wished she could have gone with them, because getting a fever during the coming winter season isn't a favorable thing to be in a state in.</p><p> </p><p>"Would I get paid with just one gig?" Siyeon jokes, her throat a bit sore but manages to speak out with an effort.</p><p> </p><p>But then Handong's suddenly here, and immediately the room has become warmer than it was.</p><p> </p><p>To entertain and remunerate her savior, she lets Handong take a look at some of her compositions, the ones she thinks were plausible for an artist's song once she gets to edit it more and send it to one of her clients.</p><p> </p><p>"Yeah, I think Tzuyu will still remit you for a performance, especially if she knew some of your original works will get to have part in it"</p><p> </p><p>Siyeon jolted up from the corner of her bed slightly, where her back's on the headboard of the mattress and her lap inhabited with a bowl of chicken soup,"What do you mean?"</p><p> </p><p>Yeah, Siyeon does know the potential of some of her drafts, but she never really considered playing them right out in the pub of the town without any company filters. Also because she thinks that the musical composers can make better accompaniment than hers.</p><p> </p><p>"I mean," Handong juts out to the pieces, but then held onto a recent outline to prove her point, "look at this, I think this could pass as an independent single coming from you"</p><p> </p><p>She held up one of Siyeon's papers, and when Siyeon narrowed her eyes to get a better look of the inks, she was then aware of how the composition in Handong's grasp shouldn't be on that pile.</p><p> </p><p>One of the recent personal sketch of hers.</p><p> </p><p>Instinct took over, and Siyeon forgot about the bowl on her lap that fell when she reached for it, crushing the paper the moment it came in contact with her touch and let the contents of her soup spill over her other lyrics laid on her sheets.</p><p> </p><p>"S-Shit, s-sorry," She apologizes, forgetting it was her mattress that got ruined and not Handong's, and that her lyrics were the ones that got ruined because of her reckless shame.</p><p> </p><p>Frantically, Siyeon balled the paper, ruining its form, "This shouldn't be there…"</p><p> </p><p>Handong's eyes widened, startled with Siyeon's action, but stayed quiet.</p><p> </p><p>"I understand," she murmurs, taking the bowl without a word, and going out of Siyeon's room with a click of the hinges, leaving a heavy atmosphere amongst their space.</p><p> </p><p>Siyeon glanced at her ruined sheets, both her blanket and her written creations turning into mushes of messes.</p><p> </p><p>"Fuck"</p><p> </p><p>Her burning eyes and skin from her fever lead her to rest on her back with a sigh, the frustration growing as well when she replays the scene in her head.</p><p> </p><p>It was such a stupid move, why did she do that?</p><p> </p><p>With a tensed sigh, she waits for Handong to return and help her change the bedding.</p><p> </p><p>After they did, Handong abruptly bid farewell, not letting Siyeon have a moment to spare an apology or even an explanation.</p><p><br/>
<br/>
<br/>
</p><p>Siyeon laid down on her bed that night, alone and guilt-ridden with her thoughts going back again and again to the afternoon hours before and pondering about her decisions; about why she let herself be consumed with such personal affairs that led Handong to misunderstand her.</p><p> </p><p>Hands fidgeting from worry, she knows very well she deserved this hefty remorse.</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p> </p><p>She got better after a few days, especially with the exact amount of dosages Handong left for Siyeon to consume during her absence.</p><p> </p><p>After the incident, Handong never came back to visit or ask her how she was and Siyeon can't blame her.</p><p> </p><p>Sitting on the stump, yet again, she knows that she has to make up for her mistake, no matter how it shouldn't have been in the first place if what she did wasn't carelessly created by her own personal engagements, then maybe things wouldn't have led her to here, in guilt.</p><p> </p><p>But, that doesn't matter anymore. What's more important is that her decision to come here and wait for a possible nothing, is a change she doesn't usually take, and therefore makes all of this a risk. The thing that she couldn't do years ago with Minji, suddenly, it felt more out of will and a proof to oneself that she still can — can do better than the previous. </p><p> </p><p>And so when she sees Handong approach from a distance, herself immediately swelled with joy.</p><p> </p><p>It was time to fix what she had cracked.</p><p> </p><p>"I'm sorry," she speaks out, hands gripping the edge of her black punk printed oversized shirt that extends to her hips, standing in front of the other before she even reached the very top of where she stands.</p><p> </p><p>Handong's eyes widened, slightly started by Siyeon's unexpected company.</p><p> </p><p>"I—I should have been more considerate with my actions and how it might have affected you, even if I didn't mean it. I also didn't want to make you feel uncomfortable, I apologize if my outburst caused you to… misunderstand," Siyeon sputter out all of the guilt that has been pent up, all of the excuses she thinks weren't worth the listen but still she has to try, "It's my fault for being too careless, I hope you can forgive me"</p><p> </p><p>"I was happy you liked some of my pieces — which got ruined," She adds, dejected, "none of that was your mistake, but mine. So please don't feel any responsibility towards it"</p><p> </p><p>"I really am sorry," Siyeon repeats, head hung low.</p><p> </p><p>Stillness kept her on the edge. There wasn't a following reaction when Siyeon apologized, and it scared her for a moment, until Handong walked closer, her figure facing Siyeon.</p><p> </p><p>"It's okay," Handong began, and titterred, before sheepishly adding, "It wasn't really my intention to make it seem that way"</p><p> </p><p>Siyeon quirks a brow.</p><p> </p><p>"I thought you just needed more space after what I did. I should've been more meticulous about matters that are important to you, especially what you can be going through that I have no clue about yet"</p><p> </p><p>"So I want to apologize for my shortcomings as well," Handong continues, palms tight against each other as she says the words.</p><p> </p><p>Siyeon could only laugh at their situation, smiling gracing her lips, "To make it up to you, is the gig still up for consideration?"</p><p> </p><p>Handong couldn't resist an exclamation of approval.</p><p><br/>
<br/>
<br/>
</p>
<hr/><p> </p><p><br/>
<br/>
<br/>
</p><p>That night came instantly in a blink before she could even fathom the jitters fretting her mind. </p><p> </p><p>Siyeon wasn't used to performing her own composed songs; well, maybe while trying to accentuate and edit some parts, but that was just during in the progress, when she's alone and not about to perform in front of a crowd not too little yet is many in front of Siyeon's eyes as she surveys the audience from the backstage.</p><p> </p><p>"You ready?" Handong asks from behind her, in an outfit that makes Siyeon's jaw drop but keeps it fixed to not look like a fool.</p><p> </p><p>Handong was wearing a purple sparkling dress that can illuminate the dark sky, a translucent shade of pink shawl draped on her shoulders, stilettos that accentuated her height, and her fading locks that never killed the appeal was kept free, cascading down past her shoulders.</p><p> </p><p>She was breath-taking to lay her eyes upon.</p><p> </p><p>"As much as I'll ever be," Siyeon tries to muster up any remaining courage she has, attempting to subside the bubbling excitement and nervousness that grips her.</p><p> </p><p>"You'll do great," Handong took a step forward, reassuring Siyeon by placing a hand on hers, squeezing it deftly and lifting her mouth into a small beam of encouragement.</p><p> </p><p>It was all Siyeon needed at the moment.</p><p> </p><p>When they were signalled to go up the platform, Siyeon couldn't contain the feelings that were heightening her senses incredibly so.</p><p> </p><p>There were high stools stationed in advance, and prompted them to sit on it as they let the audience settle down a bit.</p><p> </p><p>Siyeon took a glance beside her, waiting for Handong to notice her dither that unables her to say anything to greet the crowd.</p><p> </p><p>Handong felt it, and started the introductory with a smooth smile that's already trained, an allure in her voice that enchants the listeners for tonight. She sights Siyeon for a fraction, mouthing a '<em> you ready </em>?' and signals the band to start a beat.</p><p> </p><p>Siyeon felt an overwhelming sense of breaking free when the hinting melody struck.</p><p> </p><p>She sang the first note, and it felt like touching a bit of heaven's gate. She was beyond elated.</p><p> </p><p>A brief look at Handong, and she was just as delighted.</p><p> </p><p>This fruiting feeling in her heart wasn't hard to miss. Siyeon knows whatever fluttering was happening in her inwards, she recognizes it, tries to dwindle it, but it wasn't enough as of this split second.</p><p> </p><p>She will never know if it is ever mutual.</p><p> </p><p>But when she felt a hand suddenly intertwines with hers — a mild shock coursed through her veins as she struggles to mask the grin eliciting from her lips — she can't help but lean into the chord and believes that there could be a twinge of hope left.</p><p> </p><p>So she tightens the clasp around hers, feeling the skin, the instances, the crowd cheering, the music, and the beating of her own heart.</p><p> </p><p>And when she gets a gestural reciprocation that was an increasing grip, she can't help but relish into the sentiment.</p><p> </p><p>She was in total bliss.</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p>
<hr/><p> </p><p><br/>
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</p><p>December. The holidays, the thawing of loneliness and the scalding of hot chocolate that burns tongues in sweetness. Cold being just a reminder why things are alive, mellow, and straying away from each other is never really an option — maybe it is for some but it will remind them why this certain holiday is a huge thing for families.</p><p> </p><p>For her friends, it means weeks of breaks from hassles in life, or rather from the mundane cycle of their routines to keep themselves occupied and their future running.</p><p> </p><p>For Siyeon, it meant another season being alone with herself and intrusive thoughts. Dreaming about the day where her holidays would turn out warm that keeps her from freezing in her own joints and mind. Where the fireplace isn't just for display and is meant to be nestled in an embrace that laces content in her quelling worries. She's a sucker for romantic scenarios, no matter how hilarious it can be, so she'd end the day most of the time with just fantasizing — or writing them all down in a form of longing narratives in a diary she keeps. Minji gave that recommendation to her, to help her sort her thoughts out. It did its part until now, and Siyeon was grateful for that.</p><p> </p><p>Peeling herself away from her slouching position on the table as she mindlessly scribbles in her overly decorated notebook she used to design with Minji, a vibration cuts her train of thoughts into a halt.</p><p> </p><p>Christmas eve was around the corner and it wasn't supposed to be a surprise that her circle of friends would greet her in the nearing celebration. Bora was the first to do so, sending her a shedload of food in several containers, telling her to eat well because she knows Siyeon would rather just sleep in than eat; Gahyeon sent her a message and told her that she can come their house anytime for the celebration but Siyeon refused politely by saying it's a family thing that she shouldn't be interrupting (and Gahyeon protested that Siyeon was part of their family, but Siyeon was just as persistent by saying that she can't interfere); Yubin and Yoohyeon also offered their home for Siyeon to celebrate in, but she figured that this is their first Christmas together as a couple in their own home, Siyeon wouldn't want to ruin their moment.</p><p> </p><p>She doesn't want to wallow in self-pity, but sometimes she just can't help but feel like doing it sometimes based on her own morals and circumstances. But she is happy for her friends.</p><p> </p><p>Swiping her phone open, she smiles at the message she read. A reminder that it was a good thing she also had plans for today.</p><p> </p><p>"<em>Don't forget! 6 pm!!</em>" It said.</p><p> </p><p>Siyeon replies with an emoji, then shuts the device to go back to attending to her emails.</p><p> </p><p>For Handong, however, Christmas was just a holiday spent with the one you love and where home resides. Siyeon remembers when she got invited to stroll around the neighborhood with its own upcoming Christmas events, with Handong's eyes crinkling more than usual when she spares a glance at her, telling her that she wasn't a fan of gatherings and anything domestic related, but recently she wanted to change that by eating somewhere nice and saunter around town with its holiday festive galore.</p><p><br/>
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  <em> "With you, if you don't mind," Handong tells, a tiny bit quiet, with a shy titter. </em>
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  <em> Siyeon felt her cheeks go tint with warmth, but she didn't entertain the tumbles of butterflies swarming in her guts that came along with it. </em>
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  <em> "Yeah, sure. I mean, I don't have any plans, so why not?" </em>
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  <em> Relief eases Handong's stiff back, letting herself fall gently on the bench's support when her shift was just done and Siyeon proposed to walk around the park for a quick chat. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Handong could only concur. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> "Okay then. I'll send you the restaurant we'd be dining in," And excitement was just so apparent, Siyeon can't help but get infected by it. </em>
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</p><p>There was time to spare so Siyeon led herself to get some coffee in a café near her vicinity. </p><p> </p><p>It was supposed to be just as easy as that: Get in line, order her regular coffee, pay for the drink, and walk out.</p><p> </p><p>But apparently, fate has something else in store.</p><p> </p><p>Siyeon went through in the doors, her hands cold from the wintery weather, and as she was greeted with the aroma of the café, there was also another.</p><p> </p><p>A customer accidentally tripped herself and spilled her coffee on the floor, almost hitting Siyeon for a fracture, but good thing it didn't and only caused for the stranger to fall on floor. Siyeon presumes they tripped on their own.</p><p> </p><p>So she did what any other person would do, help them.</p><p> </p><p>"Are you okay?" Siyeon asked, kneeling beside the person in urgency.</p><p> </p><p>The coffee was scorching hot, they could have burnt themselves if they were unlucky.</p><p> </p><p>"Ah! Yes! I'm fine! I'm so sorry about that" said the customer with their familiar voice that caused Siyeon to freeze on her spot, heart quickening its pace, and her vision starting to swim as she fixed her eyes at the person more.</p><p> </p><p>The lady had blue hair, like Siyeon's favorite midnight sky when she witnessed it being ablazed with the twinkling stars.</p><p> </p><p>She turned, looking at Siyeon, fixing her spectacles because of the mishap, before her sight broadened in recognition.</p><p> </p><p>There was silence, as both of them took in their features intricately. Siyeon can feel herself tremble gradually the more she stares at the woman before her, almost forgetting to assist her as she mutely gathers her wits to hold her hand and lift the woman up her feet.</p><p> </p><p>"Thank you," she uttered, her eyes still focused on Siyeon like an occurrence that should never be missed — well, it shouldn't be.</p><p> </p><p>Siyeon held her breath, hearing the voice yet again.</p><p> </p><p>It's been years, and never once in her life did she imagine meeting her here in town and not in the city where she resides in.</p><p> </p><p>She doesn't know what to do. She was just here to get some coffee to gain her sanity for the day.</p><p> </p><p>"I-I'm just getting myself some coffee…" Siyeon mumbles, scratching the back of her neck to refrain and push down this agitation. </p><p> </p><p>"Of course," The other replies, thumbing her hands together, “You always do,” and if Siyeon’s brain wasn’t in overdrive, she would have missed that.</p><p> </p><p>They weren't on bad terms, in fact, the last time they phoned each other, everything went well. </p><p> </p><p>Yet now when they can now see each other, hear each other without the use of electronic devices, breathing the same air as the land and the palpable being distinct, they can't emit a single word properly.</p><p> </p><p>Siyeon tried to take a step forward, and get in queue, but a hand stopped her from going near the line, making her turn and face her loving dread.</p><p> </p><p>“Wanna have a chat while I’m still here?”</p><p> </p><p>In most situations of Siyeon’s <em> what ifs </em>, she would have always planned to avoid the main source of her combustion, her resolution’s breakdown, and — in her nerd terms — kryptonite. So the most logical answer was no.</p><p> </p><p>No matter how many angles you take or even simulate in your brain of how everything would go if she accepts, nothing will come out right. Not when she’s still stuck in the past and is still having a hard time. Not when she’s slowly trying to change the hurdles that have come a long way, not when she promised herself that she would never let herself succumb into her lavishing pain, and not when she’s having her own therapeutic point with anyone but the person she’s still madly in love in and even if she did think that she has the will to withstand the girl, in the end, it just proves her entirely wrong.</p><p> </p><p>Siyeon can feel herself lurch at her own voice, the phantom’s sentiment ghosting along her skin as she knows there is no way out of this. At least, in her predicament, as she mouths the words she knows in the long run, would be her heart’s demise.</p><p> </p><p>“Sure”</p><p><br/>
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</p><p>Siyeon traipsed, hesitant, still doubtful this was the decision she was going for, but nonetheless held the two scalding cups of coffee in her hands, and gave one to the other before settling down across from her.</p><p> </p><p>“T-Thank you. You didn’t have to”</p><p> </p><p>“Don’t worry. I-I wanted to,” Siyeon mentions, warming up her fidgeting hands by wrapping her fingers around her drink.</p><p> </p><p>The other didn’t miss a beat, not wanting to beat around the bush, in which Siyeon was thankful but at the same time causing her to worry about how she’ll respond neutrally any longer.</p><p> </p><p>“I’ve missed you, Singnie”</p><p> </p><p>Her nickname… she hasn’t heard it in person for a very long time.</p><p> </p><p>The voice tickles her ears, sending it to her mind to register how soft it still was and how endearing it sounds even after years of separation.</p><p> </p><p>Siyeon felt her eyes prickle, tears surfacing but held back in a shaky breath, requiting, “I’ve missed you too, Minji-unnie”</p><p><br/>
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</p><p>They’ve talked longer than Siyeon has initially anticipated.</p><p> </p><p>Minji told her about how she's here for a few days because of a small holiday break with her family and would return afterwards. She then proceeded to talk about most of her struggles adjusting to the new country she now resides in, speaking of how huge the cultural difference has been and it really has made her think about coming back here. But persevering and enduring the hardship have made her go through those obstacles easier as times go by.</p><p> </p><p>Siyeon could only smile, listening. She takes all the details that have changed between the two of them, like how Minji’s hair is in dark cerulean that compliments her soft features, the thin-framed glasses that she now wears often because of she acquired astigmatism and myopia due to her hours in front of a computer, the bags under her eyes and the paler complexion she has gained because of tireless nights and jet lag, her fixated eyes whenever Siyeon tells something about her journey here, her smile that flutters Siyeon’s heart on instinct because Minji’s always gorgeous and even if the years they were apart made her how much she misses this, it was also apparent that this feeling, no matter how much she fights it, is impossible to diminish.</p><p> </p><p>That’s why when her wrist watch flashed her the time which was quarter to five in the afternoon, she felt her heart drop, but also a tinge of relief washing over her.</p><p> </p><p>They walked out of the cafe, and decided to walk beside each other until they reach the park where they’ll part.</p><p> </p><p>Siyeon can feel her guts twist itself in anticipation. Is it bad to think of something more after this? Probably, but at the same time, she knows that everything up to this, will backfire.</p><p> </p><p>So she halts, before the barrier pole where it leads to the area, and holds onto Minji’s wrist — heart against her ribcage in collision.</p><p> </p><p>Her palpitations weren’t from the coffee, Siyeon was sure of that, as she struggled to contain her quivers that led her to kindle the fire within her — the dormant sentiments coming alive gradually.</p><p> </p><p>“I-I loved you,” Siyeon releases her finale, fingers getting cold the longer she breathes in the frigid air, attempting to manage her haywired thoughts.</p><p> </p><p>Minji’s demeanor stuttered from the confession, her eyes widening the more seconds that ambled along, and it only made Siyeon cower within herself if she can.</p><p> </p><p>Siyeon can’t continue to grasp Minji’s gaze, so she shifted her vision on the asphalt ground, counting the ticks that are resounding in her brain — as if any moment now some form of snow could paint the dull ground.</p><p> </p><p>She expected all things worse: the rejection, the apologies, the silence — everything that reflects the downside of her sudden outburst.</p><p> </p><p>But nothing can have ever prepared her from the soft touch of the other, cradling her cheek to rise from her dejection, and giving a smile that melts Siyeon whole she almost broke down.</p><p> </p><p>The sight that greets her surprised her too.</p><p> </p><p>Minji was closed to tears as she was, her smile faltering; not because she didn’t understand, but because right then and there, she understood.</p><p> </p><p>“I love you too,” she returns, letting her trembling fingers touch Siyeon’s cheek with much care like a feather fallen from the sky.</p><p> </p><p>“Unnie…”</p><p> </p><p>Minji lets out a whisper accompanied with a tremor, because she comprehended Siyeon’s confession very well, “Yours was in the past tense though”</p><p> </p><p>Siyeon nodded, leaning into Minji’s warm palm.</p><p> </p><p>“And I guess, it’s my fault for keeping this affection I have for you at bay”</p><p> </p><p>“I’m sorry, Minji-unnie”</p><p> </p><p>“It’s okay,” Minji says, closing in on Siyeon and wrapping her into a tight embrace.</p><p> </p><p>They stayed like that for a while, not realizing that the first snow had already fallen.</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p> </p><p>Siyeon arrived at the destined restaurant Handong sent her through her phone.</p><p> </p><p>Swinging open the transparent doors with a new profound feeling, she immediately spots the girl in her white coat and signature fading fiery dye color.</p><p> </p><p>“Hey,” Siyeon says once she was approximate to where Handong resides.</p><p> </p><p>“Hey,” Handong greets back, her elation apparent through her cheeky grin.</p><p> </p><p>And in that moment, Siyeon felt her time move forward.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>
  <a href="https://curiouscat.me/Dash_Satoru">cc</a>
</p></blockquote></div></div>
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